What do I want?

What do I want?

Have you ever wanted to start over?

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I’ve been feeling this way for a while. It feels like it never really goes away. And it makes me wonder if maybe I’m the problem. Do I get bored too easily? Am I just so unsatisfied with all the good in my life? Or am I too lazy to actually take a risk?

New always involves risk. The amount depends on how much your willing to sacrifice.

I don’t know what I want. I just know I want something different.

I’m tired of chasing after the endless streams of information. I want to know everything. Yet, I know nothing.

It seems like life is one perpetual motion of dreaming and desire. And I don’t always get what I want. I don’t always chase what I want either. It’s so easy to get distracted by the things that don’t matter. The dead end job. Why can’t I just quit? The project I want to accomplish. Why can’t I just do them?

Maybe it’s all about the money. How can I get more and how can I save some?

And still, after years of wondering, I stand in the same spot. Where did money take me? Not to the edge of happiness. It’s only made me want more. It’s only suffocated me and cornered me and distracted me into making decisions that took me away from my original pursuit.

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Sitting in Silence

Sitting in Silence

For the last two weeks, I’ve actively been choosing to spend time in silence.

When I’m on a streetcar, when I’m walking down the street, when I’m waiting for the bus; I put away my headphones and turn off my phone or iPod.

I do this because I feel like I need to give my brain some breathing room. If I’m constantly subjecting it to a non-stop stream of noise and information, when will I ever just think?

If I’m consistently detaching myself from my environment, when will I ever see and hear what’s new to discover?

It’s interesting to me how active this choice has to be. It seems it’s more natural for me to plug myself in, than to just stand, sit or walk. It’s like I can’t commute without a soundtrack. I’ve lost the ability to just be alone with my thoughts. And I find that to be a terrifying.

Thinking, pondering, reflecting… all of those are vital to the idea-generating process I so desperately need to fuel my writing career.

So, I’m actively choosing to be still — to give those quirky ideas the space to float into my brain where they can hatch into something new.

 

 

In the face

In the face

I’m faced with an avalanche. Not the real, massive snow slide of destruction. But as is typical in situations like this, running won’t do me any good. All I can do is stand strong and prepare to be overwhelmed. The breath flows in and out of my nose. I can feel the fear creeping under my skin. Maybe I should’ve said no. Maybe I really am in over my head. My lungs fill. My chest rises. I have to do this. I would never go back on my word. Even if I have to fake it, I will do this. My lungs empty. My chest falls. Maybe I can’t do this. Maybe I can. Either way its coming. Every muscle in my body tenses. They all know what to do. My instincts never fail me. And as the white comes caving in, I wonder why I can’t just trust more. Not myself. Not the circumstances. But trust something.  I reach out into the void to grab hold of nothing. Something. But it brings me peace when there’s nothing else.